Think romance fades over time? Think again, says research from Stony Brook University in the USA. A meta-analysis of more than 25 studies found that our expectations for long-term love are decidedly low. “Romantic love—with intensity, engagement and sexual interest—can last,” write the researchers.
“Although it does not usually include the obsessional qualities of early stage love, it does not inevitably die out or at best, turn into compassionate love.” What’s more, keeping the flames fully stoked has all sorts of pay-offs for your mental health and wellbeing, they found.
To rev things up, all you need is energy and dedication, say the experts. And the good news is: it doesn’t matter what state your romance is in—even weak batteries can be recharged!
“There is rarely a time at which things are irreconcilable,” says clinical psychologist Amanda Gordon, spokesperson for the Australian Psychological Society. “It’s your state of mind that makes all the difference.”
The most common snag to trip couples up is lack of face-time, says Gordon. “It’s very simple: they stop paying attention to each other.” Fix this by coming up with a plan for spending time together and prioritising each other. Schedule lovemaking and dates like you would any other event. This creates the space for romance to flourish, she says.
Psychologist Dr Wendy Ducat from Griffith University spent five years studying young couples and found that chaotic, inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour can seriously undermine relationships. If you make a promise, deliver on it. Easy as that.
Be prepared to talk about things that make you happy, says Gordon. “Also discuss the things that make you sad and the things you think you’re missing out on. If you can’t talk, you’re going to be in strife.” If you’re stuck on how to bring up a difficult topic, find the positive in your complaint and spin things around. Rather than blurting out, “You’re never home.” Try this: “I’ve noticed we haven’t spent much time together lately. I miss you.”
In the best long-term relationships, positive interactions outweigh negative ones 5:1, says Vice President of Relationships Australia, Anne Hollonds. What this means is that for every put-down or let-down, you need to top up your “relationship’s bank account” with five loving gestures—a hug, compliment, acknowledgment… whatever your imagination conjures up!
A great relationship can reduce work-related stress, found a Swedish study. The research, reported on Science Daily, surveyed 900 people and found that while positive relationships act as a stress buffer, negative ones in fact amplify stress.
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